Last night as Arnaud and I prepared to go for a swim he mentioned casually that Belgian public pools require a skullcap to be worn at all times. He jokingly played the sugar daddy and offered to provide the 1 euro needed to purchase my skullcap. I smacked him on the ass in response to his joke and laughed at the absurdity of such a requirement, saying something like, "What if that were TRUE?! My GOD - what a WORLD that would be."
I had a mild panic attack (I squeezed out all the remaining dishwashing soap and listened to Slide by the Goo Goo Dolls on repeat for an hour) when I realized that pools here in Belgium DO actually require hiding your head-hair inside of a stretchy head condom. In that moment of realization it became clear that wearing a skullcap ranks among my top 5 (previously unknown) fears. The only other known (but previously unknown) fears currently ranked higher are: Video taping myself while sleeping, and Volleyball. (actually, Toronto was recently added to this list.)
As I squeezed the soap bottle harder and hummed, "ya wanna get married, and run away, DOO DOO DOO," I imagined the horrors that awaited.
Will someone mistake me for a Dum-Dum?
What should I do if someone asks me what flavor I am or tries to lick my head?
What if someone thinks I am their free treat from the bank?
How much bigger will my ass actually seem once the true size of my head is revealed?
These horrific questions and more flooded through my (tiny) head as I envisioned squeezing my (tiny, so it would be a really easy process actually) head into the shiny, sticky head-condom.
I decided to be mature. I am almost thirty, after all. So I told Arnaud I would rather kill myself than accompany him to the public pool where my hair was not also welcome - this was perhaps a mild exaggeration, but it got my point across. He left for the pool after laughing at me for about 10 minutes, and my head and my hair and I sat down for a cup of coffee (beer).
That was yesterday.
This morning, after horrific nightmares of being stuck in a land of professional swimmers and 1920's hats, I decided to address my fears head on (get it?) in the only way I know.
What you see in the following photographs is actual footage of my head in a skullcap. Shape has not been changed to protect the innocent.
My hair is currently suing for discrimination, censorship and for a (completely fabricated) latex allergy.
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