My family is hilarious. My youngest brother Collin had his fourteenth birthday a few days ago, and his only birthday request was to have his entire family out to eat for steak and sushi. My parents failed in this request because you see, I wasn’t there. But everyone else was – and with a family of seven, a 6 out of 7 ratio is pretty darn good.
Collin called me after his birthday extravaganza and in the course of talking to
him for fifteen minutes I went from a normal standing position to a hunched-over position of helpless laughter. Both of my brothers have a devastatingly quick wit – they
are somehow always about 10 steps ahead of whoever is around them; they use
humor with an ease and skill that I have rarely seen elsewhere. A tiny example: the waitress for my
brother’s birthday dinner was, to put it lightly, a bitch. Her attitude had been made apparent
throughout the meal, and I am sure that my big, loud, celebratory, laughter-filled
family was by FAR her favorite table (she was probably just suffering from
“I’m-a-bitter only-child syndrome”… HAHA).
At the end of the meal my brother Kendall asked her if she had, and I quote, “any of those baby to-go boxes in the back?” Kendall is 19, extremely good looking and has a smile so big and heart-melty that to be a bitch to him is pretty much equivalent to slapping a kitten across the face – you just CAN’T do it. But this waitress could, so we hate her.
Her response to Kendall’s request was “You mean a SMALL to-go box?” She said it in that infamous, catty tone that makes you feel strangely and immediately violent. Kendall, without missing a beat or giving into the urge to be petty in a non-creative way, nodded encouragingly and said, “Mmm hmmmm yeah that’s right, a BABY to-go box… mmm hmmm.” I’m sure my family’s loud, long laughter that followed this exchange was enough to completely erase her bitch factor from the memory of the world, and probably made the restaurant think jealous thoughts such as, “Gee wiz, I wish OUR waitress was that much fun.”
I never laugh so much as when I am with my family. It isn’t just that the people in my family are FUNNY (and OOHHH they are), it’s that the people in my family can appreciate humor – they can laugh, even at themselves.
My sister Calen for years has said, “I love you” to people in everyday settings after she has exchanged a “good-bye” with them. She says it in the PERFECT tone and pitch to leave the person wondering if they heard her right. When I have tried to imitate her I have either yelled “I LOVE YOU!!” so loudly that the person and myself end up looking at each other awkwardly and I then have to follow it up with something super awesome like, “Sorry.”, or I say it so quietly that I just feel like an idiot. Calen does it perfectly. I am sure that there is a huge population of people across the cities she has lived in that still wonder, “Did she say she LOVED me? What the FUCK?” Calen makes me laugh.
Last time I was home Kendall and I drove through Starbucks because I was suffering horribly with my lack of El Diablo mochas, and as Kendall pulled up to the order-here-speaker-screen-thing with a list of 500 coffee-flavored-sugar-fests, he rolled down his window and began to order. He was trying to order a Venti, java-chip frappucino, but what came out was incredible. In his confident, southern voice he began, “How you doin today? I’d like a venti, java-java… a java-haba…” At this point Kendall broke down into his infectious, staccato laughter and after laughing heartily, recovered. He began again, “Sorry about that – I’d like a venti java-ha-, a java-hava..” And again his voice melted into laughter. I was in the passenger seat completely helpless with tears streaming down my face I was laughing so hard. On the third try he got his order correct, and then asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a grande honey-latte. He began, “And can I also get a grande hon-AY…” We lost it. I really was wondering how I was going to stop laughing when a voice came over the speaker, “Is this KENDALL BRICE?” He gave me a sheepish look before answering, “Yes… it is.” One of the Starbucks employees had recognized his laughter from across the room. I smile every time I think of his sincere, uninhibited laughter in the wake of his temporary Starbucks speech impediment.
My sister Kensey was at work a few months ago and noticed a
group of men huddled together outside looking at something on the ground. She saw as she approached that it was a
snake, and of course, being the kick-ass Brice girl that she is (we were all
raised hunting for small creatures in the woods for shits’n’giggles… but we
only hunted them in order to take them home and put them in aquariums and play
house with them – it was the girl version of “hunting”) said, “Good grief, why
is everyone scared of a little snake?” and proceeded to catch it like a champ and
hold it in front of everyone (everyone at this particular job = 15 big
men). She gave it a few
mock-kisses and talked to it in a cooing motherly tone. She was feeling pretty darn good about
herself, and the looks of sheer horror on the faces of the men observing her
feat only added to her triumph.
She turned to the man closest to her (who immediately backed away) and
said, “What’s the big deal?” to which the man responded, “That’s a WATER
MOCCASIN!” For those of you who
don’t know, the water moccasin is an extremely venomous, potentially deadly
snake. Kensey proceeded to scream,
throw the snake and curse loudly.
She had thought it was a grass snake.
I still laugh every time I think about Kensey comforting and kissing that water
moccasin.
The other day my Mom asked me in the most sincere voice, “Is it WRONG to hate
someone completely for the rest of your life?”
After the words left her mouth we both laughed so hard that
we cried. I now honor her question
by asking her every few days, “Mom, is it WRONG to wish someone would die a
violent death and that their bones would never be found?” or some other
question about the morality of a gruesome, violent, event. And we laugh.
Collin told me on his birthday how one of his friends had a slip when she was explaining a new found fact to him and a group of people during school. She was telling them how she had read that vanilla has been scientifically proven to turn guys on, and then said, probably in a slightly coy tone, “Next time I go on a date I’m going to rub vagina all over myself first.” Obviously she meant vanilla, but the image she accidently presented is so incredible that I imagine the group heard crickets in the background before they could react. I could barely understand the story as Collin told it to me he was laughing so hard.
My family can laugh like no other, and I miss them like crazy.
I have found that the people in my life who are “home” to
me in Seattle, the people who make Seattle home, are people who can laugh. I find comfort and home in the presence
of people who can throw back their heads and laugh – at me, at themselves, and
at the absurdity of this dark and lovely world. Of course, you can’t really laugh from your gut unless you
can cry…
But that’s for another day.
Right now I think I’m going to go rub vagina all over
myself.
I love you.
plans to build teleporters are crap. (sometimes.) We've been talking about building a teleporter for 6 years.
Posted by: Collin Brice | February 22, 2009 at 05:17 AM
I pretty much laughed my way through this blog... thankful for our laughs today.
Posted by: Rachel | February 22, 2009 at 05:54 AM
Oh my lord this just made my day that is a boring and horribly slow thursday. now it is a friday!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Kensey | February 26, 2009 at 07:48 PM
I don't know how you do it, but everything you write makes me laugh and you describe things so well, smarty. :) I miss talking to you! You rock.
Posted by: Jamie | February 28, 2009 at 11:07 AM
Wow that was funny. Thanks for the laugh of the day, Charis!
And now I'm going to go rub vagina all over myself...
Posted by: Kyra | March 01, 2009 at 07:14 AM
oh wow, this was such a great laugh! i could totally just picture every single one of these stories, which made them all the better. hahaha, i think collin is my long lost twin - i asked for steak this past christmas!
i haven't seen your family in ages but i just adore you all so much and you really do have such a special place in my heart. you guys make the best memories ever, something i covet quite furiously, but am so thankful for!
p.s. i tutor some kids at legacy a couple times a week that are around collin's age, and i see collin every now and then.. so now i'm sitting here trying to figure out if i know the poor little vagina girl!
Posted by: katherine ryman | March 11, 2009 at 10:45 PM
oh LORD i love these paragraphs! i cannot stop laughing.
damn, yall have a great family to be a part of. i'm not gonna lie, i'm jealous. :)
but i would love to get to know every one of you five. that would be a compromise.
Posted by: Carley Thompson | October 06, 2013 at 03:47 PM