Jackets (Part 1)

There was a once a young girl who was cold.  When she woke up in the morning her feet were cold; when she walked around in the sunshine her arms were cold, and she went to bed in the evening her head was cold.  Once, in the middle of the night, she awoke to find that even her vagina was cold.  "Goddamn it, I'm cold" said the girl, cold teeth chattering as she swore.  "Maybe when I grow up, I will stop being cold."  It seemed to the girl like good reasoning.  But the older the girl grew, the colder she felt.  

The girl began to notice that the people around her who were not cold had one thing in common: they all wore jackets.  "Cool" thought the girl.  "I'll get myself a sweet, sweet jacket, and then I won't be cold." "Word" said the girl's inner Aslan.  The girl gave her inner Aslan a condescending look for being so slang and ordinary, and then she went to the mall to find a jacket.  

Now, the girl had been eying a certain jacket for many years.  She loved this jacket, every piece of thread and shred of material and even the way the shoulders had more cowboy tassels than she normally preferred.  Everyone knew she loved it.  "Just get the jacket already!" her impatient friends would exclaim.  "I can't!" the girl would respond, nervously doing a jig to the rhythm of her chattering teeth.  And so the girl continued to eye the jacket, nervously jigging all the while.  

Sometimes she dreamed she was wearing the jacket and imagined the way the tassels would move when she jumped around.  These were always good dreams and imaginings for the girl.  

Once on a day when she thought the cold would kill her, she walked into the store and in a moment of weakness let the back of her hand slide across the material.  "You be's wantin' ta try dat der jacket on lil' lady?" a salesman yelled.  The girl turned bright red and burped.  She sometimes burped when she was nervous. "Oh, no, it's not my size" the girl lied, and then she ran from the mall.  

"Verily, verily someone else will buy it soon!!!" the girl wailed when she was safely home, pretending her words were from the Bible.  But no one did; the jacket did not sell. 

Styles changed and fashions shifted, and still the girl nervously jigged and admired the tasseled jacket from afar.  

But then one day the jacket was gone.  "Whe, whe, where is my tasseled jacket?!" the girl stuttered and burped.  "That thar jacket was discontinued."  the saleswoman droned, obviously on drugs.  "Discontinued to where?"  the girl asked, her eyes filling with tears.  "It's gone honey." said the drone, "Gone like the wind.  Pity, 'ol tassel was just yer size."  

"Actually it was the wrong size.  It never would have fit." the girl lied, again running out of the mall, this time vowing never to return. "Window shopping is for fools and WHORES!" the girl later sobbed in her chilly room.  And so the girl kicked herself and set her jaw, and when her friends asked her why she hadn't bought the jacket during all the years it was on display, she flipped her hair and said with what she hoped was impressive apathy,"What jacket?"  

"Good grief, is fashion all girls ever TALK about?" the girl wondered with grief masked in annoyance.  Her inner Aslan tried to answer her, but the girl slapped him as hard as she could.  She later apologized.  

Soon the girl went to college.  "Maybe now I will be warm." the girl thought.  But college was ten times colder than high school, and her friends who arrived without a jacket soon went to the mall and found one.  "I guess every town has a mall." the girl sighed, feigning annoyance while feeling immensely relieved.  On her first trip to the mall ten jackets caught her eye.  "OH my, we're not in Kansas anymore!" the girl exclaimed to no one.  At this new mall the girl could walk into stores and try on different jackets - no longer did she nervously jig and admire them from afar.  "Window shopping is for fools" she reminded herself.  She was sick of being cold, and, legs bruised from kicking herself, she still regretted the loss of the tasseled jacket.  So she decided to buy one.  Her friends giggled as she tried it on, "It's PERFECT!"  they cooed, "OOHHH, it's so HIP and so NEW"  The girl smiled as she tried on the new jacket - it was indeed flashy and new.  But when the girl slipped it over her shoulders she noticed that it was a bit tight under the arms.  "Oh well" thought the girl, dismissing the pain as a small price to pay. "It will probably stretch."  So despite the awkward fit she bought it.  

After a few years the awkward fit became a painful fit - but still she wore it.  "I did buy it, afterall."  she reasoned, feeling dedicated and strong.  "I'm sure I will get used to painful fit."  And she did: her arms got numb, which made the pain disappear like magic.  

After a few more years the jacket began to rip due to the awkward fit.  The rips let cold air onto the girl's skin.  Pulling out her needle and thread, the girl sewed up the jacket.  "There, there" she said comfortingly to the inanimate object.  "I will mend you each time you rip - I will keep you my jacket forever."  The girl knew that as long as she kept the jacket on she would be warm, so each time the jacket ripped, the girl would mend it.  

But then one day the jacket ripped so far and so wide that it fell into two separate pieces at her feet.  "Well, this is awkward." the girl said, following her statement by a few cricket sound effects.  The cold air rushed onto the girl's skin, but as she looked into her sewing kit she realized that if she mended the jacket this time she would have no more thread for her other mending.  She frowned at the pieces of jacket on the floor, and threw up her arms in annoyance.  "How many times have I mended this damn thing?" she thought.  She sighed and tried valiantly to feel deeply sorry for herself.  Then she realized that it had felt great to be able to raise up her arms, so she feigned annoyance a few more times to experiment with her freedom of arm movement. She decided not to mend the jacket.  She was relieved to be able to move her arms and to stop pretending that the jacket was a great fit.  She decided to endure the cold for a while, though most of her friends wore jackets.  

So the girl did lots of volcano pose and chin ups, all the things she had been unable to do with her awkwardly fitting jacket.  But she could not deny that although her body and workouts were wondrously more agile and lissome than before, she was again cold.  She was also broke, with no money at all to buy a new jacket.  "Damn... how's a girl supposed to get warm in THIS economy?" the girl said rudely to the universe.  

"Cold is just a state of mind" the universe responded.  The girl shifted her scalp in annoyance and pointed to the universe's jacket.  "Well you sure wouldn't know, idiot."  she said as she pointed.  "SENSI mcSENSerton" the universe snapped back.  So the girl did chin ups to distract her from the cold and from the happy, warm universe.  

When the cold nights came she shivered, and when the snow fell she shivered even more (which at this point looked more like Parkinson's disease) and just when the girl thought she would surely die of cold she found the most beautiful, comfortable, expensive, high end, tailor made jacket she had ever seen.  And the strangest part of all, the jacket's tag said "free."

 

... to be continued

Comments

[Mike]

I feel like the next part is going to involve a bird sending the girl a message telling her she got into hogcoats school of jacketry. I am excited city. Also, this was posted at 06:09. Just sayin'...

[Holly G]

Delectable.

[Phil McClelland]

Lol, halfway through the post when I realized what the cold metaphor was I decided my comment would be "Cold is just a state of mind".

I'm honored!

BTW, your inner Aslan wants you to finish the story..

[Jessica]

Phil, I misread your comment and thought you said "your inner Asian wants you to finish the story."

Charis, I love this. Never stop writing!